Going through a catastrophic phase in your life? Failure, disaster, pain, loss! As you plod on helplessly, do you doubt if you will ever recover?

Congratulations! You have joined the ranks of the famous who went through an equally if not more difficult phase of life and emerged with their wings stronger. And you know them.

Surely you know Amitabh Bachchan? Oprah Winfrey? Cristiano Ronaldo? Just to name three.

When someone recommended the book by Muralidharran, the title made me suspect it was yet another self-help book. When I plunged into Your Soul Wants To Win: Why Failure Is A Myth, I landed at Resilience Institute. Where FailureSync Technology “tested all humanity knew about failure, success, and the thin thread linking them across time.”

That sounded like some exciting science fiction without the fancy weapons and avatars!

Then I joined every participant in the program as each relived the past of one celebrity. Celebrities considered famous and immensely successful now but had almost never made it in their real world.

Imagine technology that takes you into the very soul of someone who once walked the path that you have now surrendered to irredeemable failure. Then you emerge from the dream as it were, shaken, dazzled and, most importantly, changed for the better, for the positive.

Like Amitabh Bachchan who was almost clinically dead following a severe injury on set that would keep him away from films, some years later found himself 900 million in debt, and then regained his fame and fortune as he became the king of the show Kaun Banega Crorepati.

Like Oprah Winfrey, who was not sure if she would be able to go to school, survived abuse as a nine-year old, became pregnant at age 14, got a job at a radio station at 17 and went on to “become somebody in the world someday” as she had once predicted.
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Like Cristiano Ronaldo, the little son of “nobodies”, who had the ridiculous dream of becoming a footballer, was laughed at as too small and weak, almost lost his place at the academy when he was diagnosed with a heart problem, was derided for his focus on “fancy tricks” during his first game at Manchester United at 18, and went on to train late into the nights until he “could not get it wrong”.

What triggered Muralidharran to write the book was the “failures” he faced in his own life.
 
At 35, a complete financial collapse coincided with the sudden loss of his father and the prolonged illness of his mother, who remained bedridden until her passing. At 40, shortly after the birth of his daughter, a near-fatal accident left him fighting for survival.
 
He decided to put this “second chance at life” to good use.
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“I decided to understand life at a deeper level,” Muralidharran writes. “This led to learning, unlearning and more research about every aspect of life. Studied with many mentors and read lot of books. As I changed myself, I realized that most of the unhappiness in life stems from not realizing our life’s purpose. Probably my life’s purpose is to give more and contribute more to this world. Hence, I decided to add value to other people’s lives through this book.” 

A finance professional all his life, he never considered himself a writer. “But I had wanted to be one since I was a 10-year-old,” Muralidharran said.

It took him five years to complete the book. “The goal was to add value to other people’s lives. Even if I could change one life through this book, I will consider myself successful.” He knows he has to be patient.
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Presently heading the finance operations of a major corporate group in Dubai, Muralidharran has worked with multiple multinationals during his stints in the Middle East, Far East and other locations.

So, should you read this book? Yes, because there is no telling what life might have for you. Good or bad, this book can help you stay level, teach yourself to take deep breaths and stay on track.

Turn the pages just for the science that may prove to be more than fiction. Imagine technology that reads your biosignatures and seamlessly immerses you in the life and learnings of someone who was (and perhaps still is) very real. As you live that life, your own assumptions about what you are and where you stand begin to melt away. And you reemerge, your mindset reconstructed.

At the end of the book, Muralidharran poses 10 questions that give you food for thought and fuel for peaceful progress. One of those asks, “What would I do if I truly believed success was inevitable? What’s the first step I would take?”
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Perhaps, reading this book and absorbing what it offers could be that first step?

The customer was puzzled. This was the same cheese that she had been buying from her favourite farm produce company for years. But now it tasted different, bland.

“It used to taste so good before. Just the right saltiness. Now it has no taste,” she told the manager of the outlet. The manager apologised, promised to speak to the owner and resolve her complaint. After all, she was an old, regular customer. They were friends.

During the next visit, polite conversation apart, the manager was not forthcoming with the resolution. “Now the son is running the show,” he said almost regretfully.

“That is fine, but what did he say about the cheese?” she persisted. “He said,”  the manager paused. “He said the cheese is fine. If you want you can sprinkle some salt before eating.”

She walked out more incredulous than angry. She could not resist a look at the signboard of her favourite cheese supplier. Would she have to find another source now. After all these years?

She never bought cheese from them again. Yet, she would drop in occasionally to buy other small stuff and to say good morning to the manager.

On one such visit, she found the manager missing. And again during her next visit. “He is on leave,” said the person, who now manned the counter, impatiently waiting for her to finish paying so that he could go back to his mobile.

A couple of weeks later, the manager was back. His smile was strained. No, the morning was not good, he said. His wife had to be hospitalised on account of multiple health issues. Now she was back home. “It is very expensive to keep her in the hospital,” he said and turned to attend to another customer.

Over the next few days, whenever she passed by, she noticed that he was frequently absent.

One leisurely Sunday, noticing him alone at the shop, she walked in. Not that she had to buy anything.

“Yes, she is okay. At home. Still in pain. What to do now, we have to manage. It is just the two of us.” He was clearly distracted.

They used to have casual conversations about something or the other. Just to divert his mind, she decided to try that. She picked on a headline in the newspaper lying nearby. “Look at this. Such a big company and they have laid off so many people. These days you have to be fortunate first to get a job and then not to get kicked out for no fault of yours.”

That did not trigger a diversionary response she was hoping for. Instead, his expression turned dark. He leaned closer to her, pausing for a moment to look at the camera overhead. Then he shrugged as if he did not care.

“Every day do you know how much I am spending on my wife? On food and medicines? And you know how much every visit to the hospital costs? We don’t have that kind of money. We were just managing until…”
He paused to catch his breath. His eyes welled up.

“My employer, this company, they know they cannot easily find someone to replace me. Someone who has the experience, who knows the customers well. You are talking of layoff. My boss is telling me to go to hell without really saying that. You know how many years I have been working here? And how many hours each day?”

She did not know how to react. But he wasn’t finished.

“Forget helping me or granting me leave, would you believe they deducted 10,000 rupees for the days I could not come? Knowing my wife’s condition and the state I am in? I wish I could return the compliment and tell them to go to hell. I just can’t. And they know that. So, I have to pull on till they kick me out.” This time he did not bother to hide his tears. He moved away wiping his eyes, gesturing to a junior to handle the customer who had just walked in.

She stepped out, very disturbed. She was sure the camera would have captured his words. But would they also see his tears?
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She wished she didn’t care. Just like the new young boss at the company. Who had betrayed her expectations from her beloved cheese. And rubbed salt into the oozing wound of a loyal employee.

Once upon a time ....

My vacation job during the final years of college landed me in a building right next to Churchgate station. That did not help me because I lived where the nearest station, as it might still make rail sense to some of you, was part of the central network while Churchgate was the western suburban terminus.

Even after I joined the ranks of the commuting millions, I would often ignore the shorter route and walk straight to Flora Fountain from VT and then turn right towards Churchgate. That’s when I would pass the well.

“Strange location for a well,” was what I probably thought when I saw it the first time, nearly half a century ago. Later, I would gather that it was sacred to the Parsis, who worshipped fire in the few temples I would occasionally pass by.

Little did I know then that I would go on to learn a lot more about Parsis after I got married to one.

And just a couple of days ago, I finished reading Waternamah,  a commemorative volume to celebrate “300 years of Mumbai’s Bhikha Behram Well”. Yes, that very well.

My faith or the lack of it did not come in the way when I read the book. But it definitely “watered my faith”.

“Faith. Without it we are deadwood; even the atheist reposes faith in what he considers its opposite. Faith is at the heart of our human-ness and our humane-ness.

“Then there’s Water. Without it too we are dead. Human, animals, plants all need this life force. As does planet Earth itself.

“Faith and water. This duo is the mystic wellspring of our revered Bhikha Behram no Kuvo.”

Bhikha Behram sank this well in 1725, obeying a persistent dream and despite the scorn of all. After all, who sinks a well right next to the Arabian Sea, as it was then? Surely, he would get useless brackish water?

No! “Lo and behold, almost immediately, they hit upon an underground freshwater spring.”

Six months later, the well would save the life of Mumbai. A terrible epidemic had forced the closure of all other wells that were contaminated. This was the only well that safely quenched the thirst of half of Mumbai’s population, including animals.

Chance or faith?

As the Bible says: “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not seen.”

One of the contributors to the book writes: “This have I learnt in all my years as a neurosurgeon: only love—the tenacity of it, the belief in it and the infinite shapes it can take—makes life more stubborn than death.”

It has taken stubborn love and faith for the well to survive so far.

In 1994, a toilet block came up within a few yards of the life-giving well. After a long-winded court battle, the threat to the sanctity of the well was demolished.

In 2004, “miscreants destroyed all the beautiful leaded stained-glass panels that adorned the pavilion around the Well.” Those were restored.
 
More recently it was learnt the Mumbai Metro Line 3 would pass near the well. In 2017, the metro authorities assured that all precautions and mitigation measures would be taken during tunnelling. “The tunnelling has been completed and no adverse effect noticed.”

Unsullied, “it has continued to slake the spiritual thirst of the community—as well as the biological thirst of everyone, irrespective of caste, colour or creed.”

If we must have wars, let those be only to quell those who are hellbent on sullying the peaceful water we need for our very life.

Then, very like this well, we shall all live ...

...happily ever after.

​Thank you for this book, Bachi Karkaria!

Two recent conversations with well-placed founder-friends left me with one question. Is two-way boss-subordinate emotional dependency healthy in today’s professional world?

She had just sold the three-decade-old company that she had built from scratch. It was a good sale. Yet her tears conveyed regret. She was sad how the new bosses were treating her erstwhile loyal colleagues.

As she put it, some of “my people” had moved out when the sale process was on and didn’t have to “suffer”. Apparently, the new owners did not find the loyal ones up to scratch and were trying to beat them into the shape they wanted.

Should she have simply disconnected after the sale?

The other founder had recently celebrated his birthday at an informal gathering that included most of his employees. They jostled to get hold of the microphone to sing his praise. The words differed but the tune was the same: “we are here just because you are”.

He was obviously thrilled but modest in his response. Was all the adulation just an attempt to sweeten his mood before the next appraisal?  Other leaders of the organization were present, but he alone mattered.

The day he decides to put his feet up (not too far given his age and health) would the decades-old organisation simply crumble?

Was it positive two-way loyalty on display in both cases? Or self-destructive emotional dependency?
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What happens when bonding becomes an inseparable emotional crutch the boss or the subordinate can’t do without?

A desperate need for a crutch at the workplace is probably a sign of emotional disturbance, opines Lovaii Navlakhi (MD and CEO, International Money Matters). Lovaii describes both sides of workplace love. “A manager may want to be liked or even loved. But a true leader would want to become redundant. On the other side, if you have been a loyal employee for long, the question you ought to ask yourself is do you want to be a boss one day or be a perpetual follower?”

The equation is very situational. Is emotional dependency a tradition? Does the environment allow dependency? Regardless of what the emotional ecosystem is like, it boils down to the maturity of the individual employee. Are you aware of and alert to a world outside your workplace? Are you confident enough to accept a new challenge and move with the times?
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As for the entrepreneur who let go of the company but not her emotional attachment, Lovaii feels she ought to focus on why she made the sale in the first place. What is it that you would like to do with your experience, skillset and life now? 

​It continues to be in vogue to describe the workplace as “family”. Possibly an expression HR would like to use with a view to retain and attract the talent they need.

But some owners are wary of the terminology. As long it suggests common values and goals, and, more importantly, civil relations, it is fine. The problem starts when some employees begin to take the organization for granted because the “family” will take care of them regardless of what they do or don’t.

It is up to the owners to discourage toxic emotional dependency. More often than not, HR steps after the toxicity has done serious damage.

Sunil Wariar (independent HR consultant; was head of HR at Future Generali India Insurance) believes that the “family” is the right description, provided the organization is “a collection of people with common shared goals where every member is respected for their contribution with pride and conviction to support and succeed the leader.”

It is not uncommon for a leader (or owner) to slave-drive the team, drawing comfort from obeisance, without bothering to share where the team is, where they are headed, and what is expected of them to reach where they ought to be. “When this doesn’t work,” Sunil says, “the leader brings in the concepts of emotional connect and loyalty as remedial measures, without bothering about the root of the problem.”
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He is all for emotions in the organization, which is after all made of people. However, “it has to be such that it brings in passion, innovation, discussions and disagreements out in the open to get the best from the team. Blind loyalty and subservience with no regard for truth or original thinking cannot sustain an organization.”

Mehernosh Mehta (VP, HR, CG Power and Industrial Solutions) thinks emotional dependency at the workplace is very normal and common. While the entrepreneur who is unable to detach herself from the members of her old team even after she sold the company might be a rarity in current times, Mehernosh thinks it boils down to trust.

“For the juniors, the connection offers a sense of dependency and security,” Mehernosh observes. “Things can get very difficult at work, and one is always on the lookout for a benefactor or guide. It brings comfort and encourages loyalty. For the leaders, who are often lonely at the top, it helps to stay connected.”

It is a “healthy psychological transaction”, a give and take. But closeness can cut both ways. One can get way with the corporate version of blue murder, simply by being “close” to the boss.

Mehernosh points out, “HR cannot stop people from forming relationships. But those relationships should not turn into power centres that adversely affect the organisation. There is a difference between being aligned to the powerful and being loyal to the organisation at large. When the need arises, HR should stand up for the organisation and those who are for it, without being drawn into power tussles. We cannot have one coterie dispensing justice, taking decisions and bypassing other functions. Such unhealthy relationships must be discouraged.”

Once upon a time, it was common for a person to spend their entire working life with the same organization. Even their obituary would name the organization they used to work with. Today, things have changed drastically.
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“While there are always exceptions,” Mehernosh says, “loyalty has become a misnomer.” In today’s startup culture, the owners are focused on recovering their investment. On the other hand, the employees are game to quickly jump to wherever the grass looks greener. 

Mohan Joshi (Strategic Advisor and Master Coach; ex-President, SCHOTT Glass India) believes “emotions do play a role but within limits.” Regardless of how long one has worked for an organisation, that work was rewarded.

“Today you are required to solve tomorrow’s problems. Owners are looking for those competent to navigate this period,” Mohan adds.
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He believes, “Emotional bonds may have limited value; competencies matter more. And if you have moved on, prioritize your action plan, not past loyalties. Only competencies can guarantee survival.”

Human beings are emotional by default, though we may rationalize otherwise. Emotion is a good foundation to build trust on and that can become a solid structure of commitment.
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There will be departures of employees and changes in ownership. Both can bruise less if the transitions are planned well. As long as it does not lead to conflicts and confusion, the entrepreneur who sold her company is perhaps justified in guiding her old colleagues for their betterment.

No one can truly judge a new employer until you have been in there long enough. In the long run (which tends to be rather short these days), what truly matters is the kind of work you do and how your boss values your contribution.

Whether you are looking for a new job or a new enterprise what is important is to learn from the experience. You may remain true to your emotional nature but you must be dispassionate about assessing your own strength and goals.

Today when shallow engagement and quick likes matter more than deep connection and identification with an organization’s professed values, it does not matter whether the organization is called a family or not—as long as both employee and owners feel at home.

​Emotion has nothing to do with it. Or has it? 

This story will shake you up. Even if you are already numbed by what you get to read in the media these days. After all, even the seasoned psychotherapist who shared Sahira’s story had goosebumps while narrating it.

The story is about her, Sahira and him, Nasir. You will not be able to forget her at the end of it. And not want to remember him.
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We do not know what happened to him. But if he were to tell, this is probably how the story would begin in his entitled voice.

​Let us now shift to Sahira’s perspective, as described by the psychotherapist.

“With no footwear and no money, she ran for her life and that of her unborn child. Her parents took her to a hospital, lodged a police complaint and also filed for a divorce.

“Her own family advised Sahira to choose abortion because she was very young and had a whole life ahead of her. She could get married to someone in a few years and settle down. Her family didn’t have enough money to support one more member.

“However, at the age of 19, Sahira decided that she would not remarry but raise the child on her own.

“Her divorce case lasted for over six years. She felt she was being raped again and again in the court room as the lawyers pestered her with questions and made her go through the whole case in agonizing detail.

“During the sixth year of the case, Nasir was caught by the police in another rape case. He was apprehended in his car while he and his friends were returning to Pune with the victim, from the same farmhouse where Sahira was once raped.

“The judge issued a warrant for Nasir’s arrest. Left with no other option, Nasir’s lawyer reached out to Sahira’s lawyer for an out-of-court settlement. Nasir was ready to give complete custody of the child to Sahira and also give her a divorce, if she would let go of all charges and cases against Nasir and also let go of the huge amount owed to her in alimony arrears. Sahira agreed because this would free her daughter for life from having to maintain any contact with Nasir. For Sahira, that mattered the most.

“Sahira had to give up on her dream of becoming a doctor. But she didn’t give up on her dream to be a successful woman, a responsible daughter and a loving mother.

“She has worked mainly with international banks and is currently in a leadership position in a European bank. An alumna of one of India’s leading institutes of management, Sahira continues to pursue her doctorate in organisation management.

“Sahira remains unmarried and stays with her daughter in a beautiful house she owns. Her daughter, an academic topper, has grown up to be a mature and responsible young graduate.”

Do read the complete post by the psychotherapist, Prerna Shah, here.

At the end of it you may want to curse the villain. Or, more positively, follow the victim’s example and celebrate her victory over “fate”. You can, if you badly want to. She is a living example.

The main challenge when you take a flight that lands at 2 a.m. is not the sleep you lose. But to ensure that the driver of the cab who picks you up will stay awake and alert through the journey.

My strategy remained the same this time too. Greet the driver heartily and after establishing our respective identities, start a conversation about the latest in local politics. Never fails to keep the conversation flowing and eyes open, especially when you are in Kerala.

Of course, as always, I had taken care to quickly scan the interior of the cab for words, images or colours that would have indicated if the driver was already aligned to a political thought or a party. Again, as always, I started out with some innocent questions, expected of an ignoramus not tuned into the here and now of the political landscape.
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This time my plan failed. Or, maybe, he sensed pretty early that I was a mere pup when it came to politics. So, after a short pause that threatened to induce sleep, I latched on to a topic that was making headlines all over.

“Isn’t it frightening,” I began. “Small school children getting addicted to drugs. They become rude, violent and don’t hesitate to kill. What is happening to God’s Own Country? The most literate state?” I patted myself for that closing. It was sure to kick off a long conversation.

Instead, sitting as I was right next to him, I could discern a change in his expression. Suddenly, he slowed the car down. I looked around to spot a reason. No teashop or public toilet around. All I could see was a signboard that identified the building across the road to be a government school.

He was pointing to that school. Then he turned to face me.

“My daughter studies there. She is in the eighth standard. My son is also there, three years younger,” he paused. His turned his face away and wiped his face on his sleeve. Was he crying?

I remained quiet as we resumed our journey. The silence persisted. Then he spoke, almost in a whisper.
“For you, these are just headlines to talk about. For me, this is my life, my family.” There was anger in his voice and sorrow. Then he shared his story in bits and pieces.

“This has been going on for a while. Everyone thought it was localized first. That was the excuse our leaders used for a long time. Now, it is too big a fire to hide.

“Politicians don’t even bother with justifications and promises any longer. Yes, some of the drug runners get arrested once in a while and it becomes big news. Usually, they are out in a week or two. There is too much money and power at play.”

He stopped the car for a tea break. I refused his offer of a cup and waited in the car for him to return. I was disturbed. It was one thing to read from far away and arrive at righteous opinions about the deplorable state of affairs. It was another to be in the middle of it all and live life on the edge, day after day.
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He had half a smile on his face when he returned and started the car. I asked him: “So, how do you handle this? How do you protect your children?”

“My wife I and I make a conscious effort to be not just parents but also good friends to our children. They are free to talk to us about anything. We do not rush to judge them or punish them. Thankfully, they are smart and are doing well in school. We just sit and talk. If my daughter has something to say that is strictly for feminine ears, she opts for a private conversation with her mother. My son is crazy about football, and he would rather discuss that with me, thought I am not a footballer. We have our disagreements, yet we try to keep one another happy.”

Where did he get this idea from? Did someone counsel him and his wife? Did they watch some YouTube video?

“We have been like this right from the time we married. Our family life never had a man’s side separate from the woman’s. We saw no reason to change our way even after we had children. I do not know if we are doing right or wrong. We just want to keep everything transparent. It is not about right and wrong or good and bad. We just hope that when we discuss everything in the open, we will be able to prevent any serious problem ... or at least nip it in the bud.

“Yes, we talk about the drug problem also. They have told us about a few things they have seen on the way to school. Fortunately, their school appears to be safe so far. Maybe because most of the students there come from relatively poor families. Not much money to get there. But there are some teachers in our neighbourhood who work in bigger schools. They tell us they are afraid. It is just a job for them now and they continue only because they cannot possibly get another job here.”
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We happened to pass a church. He slowed and bowed his head. The same thing happened when we later crossed a temple and a mosque. He was conscious of my gaze and answered my unasked question.

“You have probably guessed my faith from my name. But honestly, I have lost my faith in humanity. Our only goal now is to divide and exploit. My only plea to God, wherever He is and whatever we call Him, is to help me and my family.”

We were very close to my destination. He had something more to say.

“We want our children to study well, find a good job and settle down somewhere outside. Like you, they should be able to speak English and do well to fly from place to place.”

I was on the verge of defending myself, but we had already stopped at my spot. So, I let it pass.

After I paid him, he asked my permission to contact me once the children finished their school. Maybe I could help them find a job somewhere far away from here?
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All I could do in response was give him a long hug and walk away. I didn’t want my tears to dilute his hope.

​The birds were hailing the rising sun with their chorus. As I slowly wheeled my bag along, I tuned into their songs and focused on the gentle light in the horizon. I desperately wanted to be positive. Maybe, just maybe, God would return to reclaim His country and save His people.

Aspi Shroff was warned to be careful around them as he prepared to interact with the young inmates at the remand home. “There was scorn and rage in some of those faces as they moved past me to occupy their seats,” Aspi remembered. “The unspoken challenge was: you think you can mend us now, old man?”

The transformation after Aspi finished his activity was unbelievable. “Some of them were in tears. One of them told me that he was a good person inside. But someone in authority had ordered them never to get married even if they were released. They were bad people because their parents were bad; if they got married, their children would also be bad.”

The children were willing to delay lunch (something they always rushed to, given the strict timings at the remand home) just to take one more look at the two mirrors Aspi had used for the activity—one broken, one intact.

​The broken mirror showed a broken person, while the other mirror proved that the person was whole with wholesome possibilities within. What was broken were the perceptions, one’s own and of others.

The two-mirror activity is one of the several that the Shroffs use as part of their Possibilities Universal initiative. Their objective is to open up and activate innate possibilities of strength, wisdom and peace in all, through interactive workshops.

​After graduating from IIT, Mumbai, Aspi had also taken the “usual path” of employment, business, etc. He went on to marry Yasmin who was a teacher. Their urge to do something different, to give back to society, led them to an orphanage. “It was a very unpleasant experience,” Aspi remembered. But they were not ready to give up.

Then he chanced upon a small book, Thoughts of Power, written by Swami Vivekananda. “That changed my life. So much ancient wisdom expressed in such simple words.” The book encouraged Aspi to absorb even more wisdom from Indian philosophy, and dive into the illuminating ocean of quantum physics, astrophysics, neuroscience and other fields. Soon, Aspi and Yasmin were conscious of their own possibilities and ready to help others discover their own.

They once happened to conduct an activity for patients at a prominent cancer hospital. At the end of it, a young woman declared her intention to stop all treatment as she was sure the cure lay within herself. “The doctors had to persuade her to continue treatment while remaining positive. Last I heard, she had a remission and did indeed finally stop all treatment. While this may be an exception, I do believe that your state of mind has an important role to play when you are fighting to overcome a difficult obstacle in your life,” Aspi said.

As an artist, Yasmin was instrumental in introducing the use of puppets as a therapeutic activity. During the activity (usually with children) the puppet dons various masks representing negative emotions. “Each mask changes the appearance of the puppet, but it is only temporary. With just a flip, the masks disappear and you become your true self,” Aspi explained.

They were once conducting a street show, when a child ran away with the puppet. He approached a policeman who was standing some distance away. The boy demonstrated the puppet activity to the amazed cop. Later, the cop came back with the boy and the puppet and appreciated the activity.
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At a college event, most students were fascinated by the two-mirror activity. However, one student chose to walk away abruptly. Aspi and his team were puzzled, but they did not stop him. A year later, the student came back, with another student in tow. “Please show him the mirrors,” he demanded. Later, he explained: “You have no idea what I was going through at that time and how that activity helped me rediscover myself. Now, this friend is going through the same things, and I want the mirrors to help him too.”

During a session at a hospital, Aspi spotted a bunch of patients sitting some distance away, not at all interested in what was happening around them. “I approached them and showed them a small piece of paper and challenged them to pass their whole body through the paper. They were skeptical but I persisted until they offered some possibilities. At the end of the activity, they were no longer focused on their helplessness but were actually laughing. There was no denying destiny, but at least engaging in some activity helped to ease their pain.”

Possibilities Universal exhorts everyone to “celebrate our possibilities through playful interactions, visualization, meditation, and games that fill our hearts, minds and lives with our possibilities.”

For nearly three decades, their activities have helped promote different aspects of wellbeing including mental, emotional, social, environmental, economic, and spiritual.
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More strength to you, Aspi, Yasmin and team!

You have serious health issues. On first assessment, the doctor gives you less than 100 days to live. More than 20 surgeries and 10,000 days later, who do you thank for letting you be you, not just alive? Yes, your own attitude matters. Then there is your doctor, the medical team, friends, and close family. If you are very lucky, you will also be grateful you had Nancy on your side.

If you have seen the movie, I want to talk and read the books by Arjun Sen, you will know who Nancy is (was, sadly). I had watched the movie before I read his books Raising a Father followed by Unquit Forever: Keep yourself in the game. The latter (the title of which sums up Arjun’s attitude towards life despite a prolonged standoff with death) told me more about Nancy.
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When Arjun met Nurse Nancy for the first time at the hospital, “I heard her scream, ‘Arjuuuun’ way before I saw her.” Then, she “pulled me into a bear hug.”

Then Nancy asked him a question. Did Arjun think of himself as friend and family? She explained: “You wake up with yourself, you are with yourself all day, and you go to bed with yourself. You are your best friend and companion. There is no hiding from that.”

“Arjun, in your journey of living your life, you have to learn to trust me now. I know it takes time to build trust, but in our case, just force yourself to start with 100% trust and then see how I live up to that.” Those are Nancy’s words as quoted in Arjun’s book. She asked Arjun to let her into his life so that she could help him.

Once Arjun wondered how she managed to connect so deeply with every patient. Nancy replied: “You didn’t come in as a patient. You came in as a human being. Don’t you deserve love, kindness and attention? That’s what I do. I fall in love with every patient every time. Unless you love the person, you cannot care. I have heard others say that one has to love what they do. That does not work for me. How can I love my work? I love people and every patient that walks into my life. I fall in love with them. They deserve the love.”

There was a time when Arjun, the consummate marketing man, was considering suicide. Nancy happened to call when he was driving and sensed what he was planning. She said, “Arjun, hear me out clearly. You are a survivor, not a quitter. Your mind will not let you quit. Whatever you are planning, you could fail in it. Do you know what will happen next? You, the branding man, will get defined as the person who failed both in life and death. Is that how you want to be known?” That prompted Arjun to take a U-turn in life and convert the bothersome headwinds into positive tailwinds.

Then, one day, Arjun got the news that Nancy was no more. She had taken her own life. Why? Her husband told Arjun: “Nobody knows why it happened. She finished her shift and left quietly. Her phone was turned off. I guess everyone had Nancy. You, all her other patients, doctors, her friends, and us, her family. But Nancy did not feel she had anyone. She must have been hurting badly, suffering all alone.”

This is how Arjun sums up his connection with Nancy in his book: “She walked into my life, ready to rescue me. But she never made me feel rescued. She made me feel like I was still me, but a better version. Unfortunately, our connection was only about me. She knew everything about me and how to help me get back in life, not just live but run in life. I wish at least one more time I was standing in front of her, with open arms and calling her name, ‘Naannnncyyyyyyyy!!!!’ and inviting her into a big hug.”

Even if you have seen the movie, do read Arjun Sen’s book, Unquit Forever: Keep yourself in the game. It will take you deeper into his life, and the lives of those who made his life a marathon he successfully started and finished—including Nancy. 

Are you fortunate enough to know a Nancy who loves the people under her care beyond the clock and duty? And if you do, do you really, really know her to encourage her to live on, love on?