The assassination bargain

What if there was an agency that could kill whoever you wanted at a bargain rate? The more you want dead, the less you have to pay. How long would your list be so that you can make the most of the bargain?

It was not easy for Peter, the central character in Neil Gaiman’s short story, “We can get them for you wholesale” to find an assassination agency. Finally, he found one and went on to have a meeting with one of the sales guys from the firm.

Peter wanted to start with one guy in the office who he suspected was having an affair with the woman he was engaged to. Then the sales guy offered a two-for-one deal, just 250 pounds each. After some thought, Peter added the woman’s name.

At their next meeting, the sales guy offered an even better deal—an irresistible bulk rate of 450 for 10. Peter took some time to think of the 10, “hunting for wrongs done to him and the people the world would be better off without”. It included his boss, the Physics teacher from school, an annoying TV newsreader and a neighbour with a yappy dog.

After the list of 10 was ready, Peter was very satisfied with “an evening’s work well done”. He enjoyed the feeling of power he felt as he tightly clutched the list deep in his pocket right through work the next day.

At the next meeting, the sales guy mentioned more enticing offers. Finally, irresistibly drawn down the path of better bargains, Peter asked how much it would cost to kill everybody in the world. “Nothing,” came the answer. “We’ve been ready for a long time. We just had to be asked.”

Peter was mulling over what that meant when he heard cries all around and a soft knock on the door.

Usually, I drop off to sleep after I complete a few pages of the book I am reading. After this story, I was wide awake, thinking of the people who might employ such an assassination firm.

• The man who wanted to cut down the trees near his apartment so that the birds that woke him up early every morning would not have a place to perch?
• The sand-to-riches man who would not have to divert his trucks every now and then to knock down some officer who kept meddling in his mining business?
• The real estate baron frustrated by a crazy guy who keeps saving the lakes from drying up and thus sinking his scheme of scraping the skies with towers for billions?
• The politician hassled by the need to make all the visibly right moves and statements day and night to hide his many wrongs from those he expected to elect him again?
• Maybe, looking back, I too would like to eliminate that guy who elbowed me aside before I could grab my favourite window seat in the 7:06 local train to work?

They have been ready for a long time. And so many of us have already asked them. How long do we ignore the knock at our door?